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CLEARLY 
AND CONCISELY 



A DUOLOGUE 



By 
ROBERT HIGGINBOTHAM 



Copyright, 191 3, by Samuel French, Ltd 



New York 

SAMUEL FRENCH 

Publisher 

28-30 WEST jSth STREET 



London 
SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd 

26 Southampton Street 
STRAND 



; 



@CI.D 



3252;) 









CLEARLY AND CONCISELY 

Produced on January 31, 1913, at the St. James's 
lieatre, London, with the following cast : — 

he Lady . . . Miss Winifred Emery. 

he Gentleman . . Mr. Charles Glenny. 



All applications for permission to perform this 
play must be addressed to — 

Messrs. Samuel French, Ltd., 
26, Southampton Street, 
Strand, London. 

The fee for each and every representation by 
amateurs is ten shillings and sixpence, which must be 
paid prior to performance. 

All costumes, wigs and properties used in the 
representation of plays contained in French's Acting 
Edition may be hired or purchased reasonably from 
Messrs. C. H. Fox, Ltd., 27, Wellington Street, 
Strand, London. 



CLEARLY AND CONCISELY 

^Scene. — A corner of the Silence Room at a ladies 
club. A gentleman discovered fidgelting up and 
down, consulting his watch, displaying signs of im- 
patience.) 

Gentleman (mattering to himself). Too bad, 
really ! Wasting my time like this ! 

(Enter a lady hurriedly. She advances with out- 
stretched hand.) 

Lady. Ah ! There you are ! 

Gentleman (shaking hands). Yes ; I've been 
here some time. 

Lady. Oh ! have I kept you waiting ? I'm so 
sorry — I'm not late, am I ? 

Gentleman. Oh, no ! — that is — not much. 

Lady. It was half-past four we were to meet, 
wasn't it ? 

Gentleman. Four, I think. 

Lady. Oh ! No ! Surely — half-past. 

Gentleman. Your letter said four o'clock sharp. 
I have it here. 

Lady. Oh, well, I must have meant half-past, 
mustn't I? It's not much past that now, is it? 

Gentleman (looking at watch). The exact time 
is seventeen minutes to six. 

Lady (sweetly). Is it really ? Fancy ! How tim2 
flies — when one is busy — doesn't it ? 

Gentleman. Yes. It certainly does. What was 
it you 



6 CLEARLY AND CONCISELY 

Lady. Oh ! Let's get our breath first. If you'll 
ring the bell they'll bring you some tea. 

Gentleman. No ! Thanks ! really ! I'm afraid 
I haven't time — unless you want some. 

Lady. I've had four teas this afternoon already. 
If you really won't, come and sit down and be com- 
fortable. It's so good of you to have spared the time 
for me. 

Gentleman. Oh, I'm delighted if I can be of any 
use. I'm working awfully hard in the city just now, 
but you said it was something very important, so I\ 
let everything slide in order to see you for a few 
minutes. What was 

Lady. Oh F How perfectly sweet of you ! I 
know how busy you always are booming things — or 
whatever you do on the Stock Exchange — you do 
" boom" tnere, don't you ? 

Gentleman. Occasionally. 

Lady. Such horrid headachey work, I should 
think. Some one told me of such a splendid cure 
for headaches the other day. I can't remember who 
it was, but it was at a luncheon party somewhere I 
think, or else a dance, and they said it was wonderful 
^the cure I mean. I forget what it was exactly, 
but I think it began with A or P, or was it F ? Any- 
how, you took it with a little water every two hours 
or four — I'm not sure which. Have you ever tried 
it? 

Gentleman. No ! I don't think so ! You 
wanted to see me about 

Lady. Yes ! Yes ! I'm going to tell you all 
about that. We shan't be disturbed here. I always 
ask people to meet me here when I particularly want 
to talk to them. It's the silence room, you know. 
So convenient for a nice long chat, I always think. 

Gentleman. Quite so ! Delightful idea ! 

Lady. Have you a room like this in your club ? 

Gentleman. We have a silence room, but it 
isn't used for chats, 



CLEARLY AND CONCISELY 7 

Lady. Oh ! What a waste ! 

Gentleman. Yes ! No doubt ! You were just 
going to tell me. 

Lady. Yes! I was just going to. But there, you 
interrupted me telling me about your club, didn't you ? 

Gentleman. I beg your pardon — I didn't realize 
you'd begun. 

Lady. Never mind ! I'll start again. I'll ex- 
plain the whole thing quite clearly and concisely. I 
can do it in a few words if I start from the beginning. 
It's always better to start right 'from the beginning, 
don't you think so ? 

Gentleman. Yes ! Yes ! So long as you ' do 
start. 

Lady. I beg your pardon ? 

Gentleman. Er — yes — much better. 

Lady. I always think some people are so con- 
fusing when they're explaining anything ; they begin 
in the middle or at the end, and tell you backwards, 
and they make such a rigmarole of it. They can't 
stick to the point. Haven't you noticed that ? 

Gentleman. I have indeed. About this matter 
— you were saying 

Lady. What was I saying ? 

Gentleman. You were talking about beginning 
to tell me what it was you wanted to say. 

Lady. Yes ! Of course ! But you mustn't 
flurry me. You must let me tell you in my own way, 
or I shall get confused. 

Gentleman. I'm sorry. I didn't intend to flurry 
you — really 

Lady. No ! I'm sure you didn't. And I don't 
say you have yet, only you mustn't. That's the worst 
of you men with clever business heads. You spend 
all your time hustling and " booming " in the city, 
and it makes you have no patience with a woman's 
methods. 

Gentleman. I'm quite sure your methods could 
never be anything but charming. 



8 CLEARLY AND CONCISELY 

Lady. Thank you, that's very nice of you — sven 
if you don't mean it. But I really am rather a good 
business woman, you know. 

Gentleman. Are you indeed ? 

Lady. Yes ! You don't sound as though you 
believed it. But I am. I know all about lots of 
things — cheques, for instance. I know how to make 
those two little silly lines across a cheque and write 
" and Co.," though I've no idea what it means, and 
I'm sure no one else has either. I suppose it's just 
• a superstition, like throwing salt over the left shoulder. 
Do you believe in superstitions ? 

Gentleman. I do in some. Crossing cheques, for 
instance. But then I'm partly Scotch. 

Lady. Oh ! of course ! They're a superstitious 
race, aren't they ? 

Gentleman. So they say— you were telling 
me- 



Lady. About my business capacity. Yes ! It's 
really rather remarkable for a woman — don't you 
think ? 

Gentleman. Quite — I should say. 

Lady. I suppose that's why they let me in for 
all this 

Gentleman {hopefully). All what ? 

Lady (sweetly). What I want you to help ras 
over. What I've been trying to tell you about all 
this time — only you will keep chattering about all 
sorts of other things — superstitions, and cheques, and 
your ancestry and all kinds of fascinating subjects. 
These business talks are very tiresome and dull, I 
know. But I'm afraid we really ought to stick to the 
point. You don't mind, do you ? 

Gentleman. Mind, my dear lady ! I'll stick to 
it like a leech — when we discover it. 

Lady. Well, we're just coming to it, if you'll only 
listen patiently, and not interrupt any more. 

Gentleman. I'm all attention. (He assumes an 
attitude of rigid attention.) 



CLEARLY AND CONCISELY 9 

Lady. Oh ! but you mustn't sit and glare at me 
like that, you know. It makes me feel so harassed, 
and then I get nervous, and I can't remember anyr 
thing at all. 

Gentleman (turning his profile towards her). Is 
that better, or would you prefer me to turn my back 
on you ? 

Lady. No ! That's much better, thank you. 
Now let me see — where had we got to ? 

Gentleman. We were just getting to the point. 
At least we'd sighted it. You were explaining how 
your remarkable business capacity had caused you 
to be let in for — er — something or other which re- 
quires my aid. That's as far as we've got at present,. 
I think. 

Lady. Oh ! Yes ! of course. Thank you. How 
clearly you summed it all up. Well, you see, I'm 
supposed to be such a splendid organizer, at least so 
my friends tell me. I have had a little experience — 
I once got up a concert in the country for some con- 
sumptive charity or other. I got most distinguished 
patrons, all titles, and I sold lots of tickets, and it 
would have been a huge success, only unluckily I 
quite forgot to book the hall ; and when we got down 
there on the night we found a tradesman's dance going 
on in it, so of course we couldn't have the concert 
after all. Wasn't it a shame ? 

Gentleman. It was indeed. And now, I take 
it, you are proposing to have another shy, so to speak, 
at concert promoting, having come so near to success 
at your first venture. 

Lady. No'! Nothing of the mind — perhaps just 
something. But you do rush on so. 

Gentleman. Do I? I'm so sorry. The fact is, 
I'm rather pressed for time. (Looks at watch.) 

Lady. Oh, I know, and so am I. But if you 
would just let me speak, we could get the whole 
thing settled up in a minute. You must come to tea 
with me some other day when I've got plenty of 



10 CLEARLY AND CONCISELY 

time, and then you shall talk to me about any subject 
under the sun. 

Gentleman. Thanks ! I should be charmed. 

Lady. Very well then ! That's settled. Now 
let me see, where was I ? 

Gentleman. You were telling me about this 
concert you're getting up. 

Lady. Oh dear ! There you go again ! It isn't 
a concert, and I'm not getting it up. 

Gentleman. Well then, what are you doing with 
it? 

Lady. Nothing ! At least, not yet. 

Gentleman. Ah ! Then you want me 

Lady. Oh ! please don't be so premature. / 
don't want anything. It's nothing to do with me. 

Gentleman. Nothing to do with you ? 

Lady. No ! It's Lady Nonsuch. 

Gentleman. Lady Nonsuch ! 

Lady. Yes ! You've met her. The woman with 
the chronic red nose, you know. Of course people 
say things. They always do, don't they ? But I'm 
quite sure she doesn't. It comes from indigestion, 
I expect, and besides she's frightfully keen on tem- 
perance societies and all that — of course that might 
be a blind. But I never believe rialf the things one 
hears, do you ? 

Gentleman. None of them. But apart from 
Lady Nonsuch's nose, what does she want ? I mean, 
in what way can I be of service to her ? 

Lady. That's just what I want to know — I mean, 
whether you can. That's why I asked you here. 

Gentleman (despairingly). But you haven't told 
me yet what she wants me to do. 

Lady. Haven't I ? Oh ! how stupid of me. 
That's the point, isn't it ? 

Gentleman. Exactly. Yes ! 

Lady. Well, you see, Lady Nonsuch is simply 
given over to good works, and so is her daughter. 
You know the daughter— that peaky girl with flat 



CLEARLY AND CONCISELY 11 

feet who dresses so oddly. I can't think why good 
works make people so frumpy, can you ? The y say 
she's engaged to a clergyman in Whitechapel or so ne- 
thing terrible, but don't say I told you so, will you ? 

Gentleman. No ! I won't. And Lady Nonsuch 
wants me ? 

Lady. Yes ! Yes ! I'm just coming to that. 
You see she's interested in a charity, something to 
do with anaemic curates, I think, or chorus girls, I 
forget which. 

Gentleman. And the concert — that is — I mean 
— the — er — whatever it is — is in aid of this charity ? 

Lady. Yes. The — er — whatever it is — I'm really 
riot sure myself. Some sort of bazaar, I gathered 
from Lady Nonsuch's letter, and they want some 
amateur acting as a side-show, and as I've heard 
you're so clever at all that sort of thing, I thought of 
you. There ! I told you I could explain it in a few 
words if you'd let me. Will you help us ? 

Gentleman. I shall be delighted to do anything 
I can if I'm free. What is the date ? 

Lady (floored). The date ! Dear me ! D'you 
know, I really can't remember. Now isn't that pro- 
voking ? 

Gentleman. It is rather a pity. 

Lady. Wait a minute ! I think I have Lady Non- 
such's letter here. (Looking in handbag.) That'll 
tell us. Yes ! Here it is. Now let me see — where 
is it ? (Glancing through letter.) She says such a 
lot all about nothing first. Ah ! Yes ! The 12th 
of next month, is that all right ? 

Gentleman. Yes — I think so. 

Lady. That's splendid ! Hulloa ! here's- a post- 
script I never saw this morning — she does write so 
all over the place. Perhaps I'd better read it now. 

Gentleman. Yes — it might be as well. 

Lady (reading). " P.S. On second thoughts, my 
dear, I don't think we'll have the acting after all. 
Amateurs are such sticks, aren't they? And we 



IWAR 6 I8li 



12 CLEARLY AND CONCISELY 

want something really good. So I've decided to get 
a conjuror from Harrods." Oh! dear! What a 
pify ! Then I needn't really have Wasted my time 
over it all, need I ? 

Gentleman. No ! I'm afraid, if you'll excuse 
me, I must run away now. (Rises.) 

Lady (rising). Oh ! must you really ? Thank 
you so much for coming. I hope it didn't put you 
out at all. 

Gentleman. Oh ! No ! Hardly at all, thanks. 
(Bitterly.) I only missed three business appoint- 
ments. 

Lady. Three ! How provoking ! Never mind ! 
Three's such a lucky number, isn't it ? Good-bye ! 
(He hurries off.) 

Lady (sinking into a chair). Oh 1 dear ! What 
a tiresome man ! 

Curtain. 



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